Crossroads into the Universe.

Subtle Truths

EnneaThought℠ for the Day

Type Four EnneaThought℠ for June 18th

Today, build on your strength as a Four. Healthy Fours are able to communicate subtle truths about the human condition in ways that are profound, beautiful, and affecting. In a fundamental way, Fours remind everyone of their deepest humanity. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 201)

It comes in waves.

“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

redditor, GSnow

Bright Eyes.

When I went back to Iowa in mid-July of 2013 to move my belongings back to New York, I saw Travis for about 20 minutes. I started crying as soon as I saw him, and couldn’t stop the entire time I was at the house with him. Not sobbing, overwhelming tears – just a constant stream of tears down my face. We sat down and he looked into my eyes and said, “your eyes look the brightest and clearest I think I’ve ever seen them”.

Somehow he could see that underneath all of those tears and the pain that I was going through, that I was finally beginning to heal from the years of anguish that I put myself through and become my authentic self.

Close to the Brink.

“The term psychotic or psychosis has been used in many different ways over time. In the past, it implied severity. When used in this context, someone with a condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might be called psychotic if that condition was extremely impairing. In the contemporary definition, this term refers to the presence of particular types of psychiatric symptoms, specifically: hallucinations (a sensory perception in an absence of an actual stimulus) and/or delusions (fixed false beliefs that are not held within the person’s subculture). A broader definition of psychosis would also include prominent disorganization in thinking, speech, and behavior.”
— University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics

If you have ever felt close to the brink, then you have experienced your version of what Travis felt and why he had to leave. If you cannot understand why Travis had to leave, please remember your most awful experience, the one where you felt the worst that you have in your entire life. Travis got to that point when he decided to leave, and the best option that he knew, and that was his reality, was that he would be at peace if he left. The intensity of his pain on this earth was matched by the intensity of his peace when he left his body. So please, imagine the worst pain possible. That is what Travis was feeling. Suicide is not selfish. In this case, Travis was being the least selfish that he could possibly be. I felt an intense peace that I had never felt before in my life before he passed. He gave that to me and felt that I felt it, so he was content to leave the earth, knowing that that peace was with me. He knew that I could handle his death. When I found out, I screamed and felt the most intense pain of my entire life, which then quickly turned into an intense peace, more intense than the feeling of peace I had felt only hours before. That was Travis’s spirit passing into me, and his soul passing into the universe.

Travis Doc.

This was the last thing that I wanted to tell Travis. I tried to call Travis after my episode of “insanity” once I came back down and felt an intense peace. I could not figure out how to word it well, so I typed it up. It still did not make much sense to me at the time and I just felt that I could go off the cuff with it if I called him and felt him there. I called and he did not answer. I rambled on and on and on to the point where I had exceeded the limit for the message. An option was to listen to the message, so I did. 3 times. I wanted to be able to flesh out my feelings to tell him in a way that I knew that he would be able to hear me. I couldn’t do it, I got lost in it, and so I left something along the lines of,

“Hey Trav, I hope you’re doing well. I miss you. Give me a call back when you can.”

Heidi, Travis’s sister-in-law, had sent me a message on facebook that said, “Allie, Travis does not have his phone right now.” I said, “ok.” I sat on that for about 45 minutes and thought, “what does that mean? Why does Heidi know that I called him? Is Travis in the hospital so they have his phone? Is Travis having a crisis so bad that they took his phone away from him?” Heidi asked for my phone number. Troy, Travis’s brother, called me and told me what had happened in the best way that I could possibly have found out. And I felt devastation and love at the same time.

This is what I still had open on my computer when I found out.

“Call Travis:
 Tell him that I want to stay in touch and apologize for asking so much, explain that he does not seem unwell, etc etc. like a concerned mother when I hear nothing, etc etc
 I will not be asking any more questions besides how you are doing for a while, but at some point I will again

 I would like if you could tell me more about how you are feeling, any symptoms you are having, any side effects from meds. Anything about your experience right now.
o If you cannot do that, that is fine. But I want you to know that nothing you tell me will freak me out or make me judge you. I promise you that I can handle anything that you tell me. I am not trying to be your therapist; I am trying to be a support to be here for you. I am not going to try to unravel your psyche with you, I am here to listen. I am not here to “save” you. I promise you. I am meditating on this and making sure that this is not a hero complex, I just feel that I am the person who could be of the most help right now in just getting you more appropriate professional support if you are not getting it. I am concerned that you are not getting it, my gut is telling me that you are not and need to find better care. I just want to help you get to that point, and then if you are on a more productive path and do not want my help anymore, I will back off. I just do not believe that you are getting the support that you need. I am also meditating on it and making sure that I am not doing this because I want you to get better for selfish reasons so we can get back together. Travis, I love you so much. I care more about knowing that you are healthy and balanced and the real Travis than about us being together. Also, I am here to tell you that you have the ability to recover. I am 100% certain of that. My main concern is that the message that you are getting from everyone around you, whether they have verbally said it or not, is that you cannot recover. If that is the case, then I want to be that hope. You are capable of getting better, you can recover. I promise you. If you don’t believe it, just try to trust me. Just try to remember all of those things that you saw in me when I was depressed that I couldn’t see. I have gone through more than I can even tell you right now this past year on my own journey, and I can now see those things for myself. This is what I see in you. I see those things, I see your potential, I see your ability to heal and thrive. And I am telling you also not just as a friend who wants to see you get better, but someone who is now devoting her career to this, that research shows it, with statistics. In addition there are so many stories I’ve read, or watched or listened to interviews of people who had way more severe psychosis, some for YEARS at a time, who have recovered. Recovery is possible. Please just try to trust me on this if you can’t see it now. If you start to think maybe this is true at some point, I would love to show you all of the things I have read, watched, and listened to. I know that it would be very overwhelming right now, so for now, just try to trust me if you cannot trust yourself yet. I am where I am at because of the support that you gave me. I want to do the same for you. You helped me see a spiritual side that was blocked, and I am now balanced and whole. I want to help you see an emotional side that is blocked for you, and you can again be balanced and whole – moreso than you were before. This is possible, I promise you, I believe this with every fiber of my being.”