This was the last thing that I wanted to tell Travis. I tried to call Travis after my episode of “insanity” once I came back down and felt an intense peace. I could not figure out how to word it well, so I typed it up. It still did not make much sense to me at the time and I just felt that I could go off the cuff with it if I called him and felt him there. I called and he did not answer. I rambled on and on and on to the point where I had exceeded the limit for the message. An option was to listen to the message, so I did. 3 times. I wanted to be able to flesh out my feelings to tell him in a way that I knew that he would be able to hear me. I couldn’t do it, I got lost in it, and so I left something along the lines of,
“Hey Trav, I hope you’re doing well. I miss you. Give me a call back when you can.”
Heidi, Travis’s sister-in-law, had sent me a message on facebook that said, “Allie, Travis does not have his phone right now.” I said, “ok.” I sat on that for about 45 minutes and thought, “what does that mean? Why does Heidi know that I called him? Is Travis in the hospital so they have his phone? Is Travis having a crisis so bad that they took his phone away from him?” Heidi asked for my phone number. Troy, Travis’s brother, called me and told me what had happened in the best way that I could possibly have found out. And I felt devastation and love at the same time.
This is what I still had open on my computer when I found out.
Tell him that I want to stay in touch and apologize for asking so much, explain that he does not seem unwell, etc etc. like a concerned mother when I hear nothing, etc etc
I will not be asking any more questions besides how you are doing for a while, but at some point I will again
I would like if you could tell me more about how you are feeling, any symptoms you are having, any side effects from meds. Anything about your experience right now.
o If you cannot do that, that is fine. But I want you to know that nothing you tell me will freak me out or make me judge you. I promise you that I can handle anything that you tell me. I am not trying to be your therapist; I am trying to be a support to be here for you. I am not going to try to unravel your psyche with you, I am here to listen. I am not here to “save” you. I promise you. I am meditating on this and making sure that this is not a hero complex, I just feel that I am the person who could be of the most help right now in just getting you more appropriate professional support if you are not getting it. I am concerned that you are not getting it, my gut is telling me that you are not and need to find better care. I just want to help you get to that point, and then if you are on a more productive path and do not want my help anymore, I will back off. I just do not believe that you are getting the support that you need. I am also meditating on it and making sure that I am not doing this because I want you to get better for selfish reasons so we can get back together. Travis, I love you so much. I care more about knowing that you are healthy and balanced and the real Travis than about us being together. Also, I am here to tell you that you have the ability to recover. I am 100% certain of that. My main concern is that the message that you are getting from everyone around you, whether they have verbally said it or not, is that you cannot recover. If that is the case, then I want to be that hope. You are capable of getting better, you can recover. I promise you. If you don’t believe it, just try to trust me. Just try to remember all of those things that you saw in me when I was depressed that I couldn’t see. I have gone through more than I can even tell you right now this past year on my own journey, and I can now see those things for myself. This is what I see in you. I see those things, I see your potential, I see your ability to heal and thrive. And I am telling you also not just as a friend who wants to see you get better, but someone who is now devoting her career to this, that research shows it, with statistics. In addition there are so many stories I’ve read, or watched or listened to interviews of people who had way more severe psychosis, some for YEARS at a time, who have recovered. Recovery is possible. Please just try to trust me on this if you can’t see it now. If you start to think maybe this is true at some point, I would love to show you all of the things I have read, watched, and listened to. I know that it would be very overwhelming right now, so for now, just try to trust me if you cannot trust yourself yet. I am where I am at because of the support that you gave me. I want to do the same for you. You helped me see a spiritual side that was blocked, and I am now balanced and whole. I want to help you see an emotional side that is blocked for you, and you can again be balanced and whole – moreso than you were before. This is possible, I promise you, I believe this with every fiber of my being.”